News

Shunned, Former-Celebrity Chef Attempting to Use Pandemic to Weasel Back Into National Consciousness

“Maybe they’ll forget everything that happened before 2020?”

Published

6 years ago

April 12, 2020

allofhumanity

Photo: Shutterstock

Paula Dean, long time accused racist and butter enthusiast, is hoping to make a comeback while better people than her are busy with other things.

“I don’t remember anything. Maybe nobody else will either?”

Ms. Dean had her youngest grandchild, who has been kept in the dark about granny, help her set up an iPhone propped up by cookbooks. She also finally ordered that insta pot, defrosted over 3 gallons of butter and is ready to go.

“Maybe they’ll forget everything that happened before 2020?” Ms. Dean was allegedly overheard saying to nobody in particular.

News

United States Takes First Prize At The 29th Annual Failed State Awards

Accepting for the US, a tearful President Donald J Trump. “I’m honored you honor me with this honor. For me.”

Published

6 years ago

April 27, 2020

allofhumanity

APRIL 27, 2020 – RANGOON, MYANMAR

“There were many times I didn’t think we’d win,” said Ben Carson through streaming tears. Mr. Carson, the Housing and Urban Development Secretary, a key member of the president’s cabinet, was at times so emotional he was unable to answer reporters questions.

“I’d like to congratulate, the United Shtates of Maerica…,” proclaimed Mr. Trump before being led offstage by award presenter, Lusty Happycrack, the recipient of last year’s Pol Pot Honorary Leadership Award.

The award ceremony, held in the Park Hyatt Midtown Rangoon, in Rangoon, Myanmar got off to a raucous start with performances by headline act Blink 182. Tensions were high as lower awards were given out to Yemen, Syria, and The Democratic Republic of Congo.

“Has been close before, with no cigar.”

The United States has been close to receiving the honor twice in the award’s 29 year history. Once nominated for the subversion of the 2016 election, the US nearly won the top award in 2018 for spending money on a southern border wall while American children starved.

The award, given in honor of the award’s founding member Muammar al-Gaddafi, will sit proudly on the US President’s desk for months to come. Made out of rusted metal taken from shanti roofs in the award-recipient’s country, in this case Los Angeles, the award is presented in the shape of a front-loaded dumpster. The work of art sits atop a carved elephant-dung-alabaster base.

Attendees were entertained by moving images from various failed states as Cirque du Soleil performers lit themselves on fire and ran around the stage.

Susan Sarandon, originally scheduled to present the award, has been missing and was unable to attend.

News

The Seven Stages of Adult Birthdays

“So we’re not going to fly to Barbados for my birthday?”

Published

6 years ago

April 22, 2020

allofhumanity

Download the original below:

News

Some Canadian Lady Reads Tarot Cards And Wins The World

Exposes Meghan Markle as a scam artist, over 8.5 Million views.

Published

6 years ago

April 20, 2020

allofhumanity

Courtesy of YouTube™ Tarot By Janine

Janine from Calgary has been reading tarot cards on her now famous YouTube™ Channel, Tarot By Janine, and has been winning the internet. And the world.

She Says Meghan Markle is a sham…

Janine focuses her work on the former royal couple, specifically what douchey characters they’ve turned out to be. Todd, a fan in Detroit, responded to questions about his affinity for the program. “I dunno… she’s some cool chick in Canada with a dope producer named Guy.