Exclusive
Gerbil Responsible For Quantum Reality Shift Retiring
Barney Rubble, now 102 in human years, set to relax after record run of causing global hijinx and snafus. Meet the gerbil who broke the Hadron Collider and changed history.
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA, APRIL 25, 2020
“That’s it. I’m done,” proclaimed Barney after watching the American president recommend inserting light into the body to cure Covid-19.
Barney Rubble, named after a goldfish who died at a young age, was only 6 months old when he braved the safeguards of the Large Hadron Collider, the experimental atomic machine in Cern, Switzerland, on November 6, 2016.
“I wanted to make a difference,” Barney said from a pool-side recliner. “I didn’t realize it would lead to all this horror; the Earth burning, Donald Trump as president, The Good Cop on ABC, Donald Trump as president. Covid-19 is just icing on the cake… I’ve done my work here.”
“My first inkling that my monkeying around was working was when they threw the election in the United States for this guy,” Barney gestured to the television where Trump was giving his infamous treatise on light and disinfectant-spray therapy for Covid-19. “Then everything went to hell in a handbag and I knew. I knew.”
