Exclusive

Celebrity Couple Seeking to Mend Differences While on Covid-19 Break

“It’s necessary to take time, as a couple, to look into your differences and try to find common ground,” muttered Fauci, to nobody in particular.

Published

5 years ago

April 13, 2020

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Photo: Shutterstock

Tony Fauci first met Donald Trump in 2016 at a work holiday party. The two hit it off when both realized Tony used to date the previous CEO.

“We hit it off right away. I could tell he likes dating powerful men. And there’s nobody more powerful than me. Everyone is talking about it. That we hit it off.” said Don. “That’s what they’re saying. Everyone is saying it.”

“I’m hoping to focus on our mental health during this break,” said Tony. “If I can just get him to sit still long enough to watch season 3 of Ozark, I might be able to trick him into paying attention to me for a few minutes.”

At publication, Mr. Fauci had changed his twitter handle to @isaiah136 and has not returned requests for further comment.

Covid-19

Is Dr. Bornstein Moonlighting as the Allegedly Debunked Plandemic Dr. Judy Mikovits?

Uncanny similarities may answer the question, “Who is Judy Mikovitz?”

Published

5 years ago

May 21, 2020

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(Src. Video Stills)

People everywhere are speculating that the famous doctor is also the same debunked scientist from panned Plandemic movie… you know, like Michael & Latoya Jackson. Just everywhere… everyone is talking about it and everyone is thinking it. Who is? Everyone.

Remember Dr. Bornstein? This will trip your memory:

NBC News Exclusive: Trump Doctor Wrote Health Letter in Just 5 Minutes as Limo Waited

And regarding Dr. Mikovits, if you haven’t seen it:

A disgraced scientist and a viral video: how a Covid conspiracy theory started

Seen ‘Plandemic’? We Take A Close Look At The Viral Conspiracy Video’s Claims

Who is Judy Mikovits in ‘Plandemic,’ the coronavirus conspiracy video just banned from social media?

“I can’t tell the difference,” stated an unnamed source. “It’s like a panoply of hair and glasses…” (Src.: Norwell Health and Video Stills)

Exclusive

MasterClass Desperate For Content; Introduces Gwyneth Paltrow’s Scream Therapist

Platform will continue to scrape the bottom of the barrel for content, like an upcoming class on Tibetan Moon Howling featuring Richard Gere’s Yoga Instructor, Jesus Gonzales.

Published

5 years ago

May 16, 2020

allofhumanity

MAY 16, 2020 – MALIBU, CA

Yoon Muk was thrilled at the idea. “When MasterClass offered this job to me to teach people the benefits of screams, and make a BOATLOAD of quick cash, I jumped at the opportunity,” said Ms. Muk from her 5 x 12 room in her employer Gwyneth Paltrow’s basement. “As long as I keep up the mistress’ lessons, she said I could do this too. And keep 20% of the money.” Yoon also serves as full time cupper to Ms. Paltrow and her family.

Planned, upcoming classes also include:

Tibetan Moon Howling

With Jesus Gonzales, prayer master and yoga instructor to acting legend Richard Gere.

Being Yourself

A thoughtful meditation of facing your demons and realizing your own self non-worth with Susan Sarandon’s Ping Pong Manager, Chad Michaels.

Living With Bad Choices

How to cope with them, from Mike Pence’s valet of 30 years, Jebs.

Exclusive

Gerbil Responsible For Quantum Reality Shift Retiring

Barney Rubble, now 102 in human years, set to relax after record run of causing global hijinx and snafus. Meet the gerbil who broke the Hadron Collider and changed history.

Published

5 years ago

April 25, 2020

allofhumanity

Barney, now in retirement in Boca Raton, Florida.

BOCA RATON, FLORIDA, APRIL 25, 2020

“That’s it. I’m done,” proclaimed Barney after watching the American president recommend inserting light into the body to cure Covid-19.

Barney Rubble, named after a goldfish who died at a young age, was only 6 months old when he braved the safeguards of the Large Hadron Collider, the experimental atomic machine in Cern, Switzerland, on November 6, 2016.

“I wanted to make a difference,” Barney said from a pool-side recliner. “I didn’t realize it would lead to all this horror; the Earth burning, Donald Trump as president, The Good Cop on ABC, Donald Trump as president. Covid-19 is just icing on the cake… I’ve done my work here.”

November 6, 2016, 1:32 p.m.: Security footage showing Barney just before breaking into the tube and bisecting the particle beam that destroyed Earth’s, and Man’s, trajectory.

“My first inkling that my monkeying around was working was when they threw the election in the United States for this guy,” Barney gestured to the television where Trump was giving his infamous treatise on light and disinfectant-spray therapy for Covid-19. “Then everything went to hell in a handbag and I knew. I knew.”