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Special Report

Even Guys Doing Donuts Are Depressed

“Nobody cares. Nobody is there to enjoy my work. I burned through a clutch last night and it was all for nothing…”

Photo by Alin Olariu from Pexels

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Rick is suffering during the Covid-19 epidemic. And so are countless of other unseen, unheard men in their late 20s and 30s. Their problem? Depression.

Nobody cares about the work we do because nobody is on the roads.

“We used to be real jackasses, you know? Back when it meant something. Back when you could really piss people off,” said Rick through a video gaming chat app.

Better times for people like Rick, when he could piss off hundreds of people a night.

Special Report

Alien Civilization Sues Mark Zuckerberg For Copyright on Threads Logo

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A spokesperson for the Proxima Centuri Federation of Planets said the lawsuit was filed in US District Court last Friday.

Jowl Ra Heth, spokesperson for the government of the Proxima Centuri Federation of Planets, responded to media requests via fax. “We are saddened and shocked that our former ambassador to the Sol star system has decided to use a graphic pattern, one we used in a message to earth 25 years ago, to start a new money-making venture. While the establishment of yet another social media platform in order to lull the human race into a state of codependency is in alignment with our goals of ultimate domination, the wholesale theft of our intellectual property is really a new low for Mr. Zuckerberg.” The “threaded a” was originally used in a galactic communication in a wheat field in Le Chalet-à-Gobet, Switzerland in 1998.

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Covid-19

Couple From Tau Ceti Star System Taking A Second Look At Home On Earth

Couple looking for new adventures had previously passed on the Solar System altogether.

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Just two years ago it was a hard pass.

TUESDAY JUNE 19, 5:39 PM – EARTH’S MOON

Speaking with AOH reporters from an abandoned model-planet site-viewing platform on the Earth-side of the moon, Juxthorpe and Nancy Kylomor-Nuchttadbetter looked on at the planet as the sun began to set. “It’s not what we saw in EY (Earth Year) 2017,” said Nancy. “I can’t describe it, but it used to appear sick. Like it had an infection.”

Nancy and Juxthorpe are planning to have a family within the next 138 EY years. They’ve been looking to “expand our horizons.” With her pregnancy in just its 63rd trimester, all 196,890,231 of her sack eggs are healthy.

And with 30 year fixed ARM mortages at just 2.9%, it’s a sweeter deal for the Kylomor-Nuchttadbetter family.

Earth viewing platform seeing more traffic in 2020.

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Special Report

Calligraphy Videos On YouTube Hastening Viewer’s Descents Into Madness

With just 9 videos, viewers are guaranteed to never recover from shelter-in-place to lead a normal life.

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Once you start you cannot stop

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